


Her

by Harridan



Series: Despair and Joy [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Gen, Language, Semi-Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 09:24:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8138960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harridan/pseuds/Harridan
Summary: She left a few months ago.  Ichigo speaks with Zangetsu one more time.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is Post-684 and has a companion piece I will be uploading on here soon.

It’s already been eight months since the defeat of Yhwach. A lot of things have happened since then. The Arrancar were sent back to Hueco Mundo. It seems as though Grimmjow and Harribel will be ruling over it for now. The Shinigami have made an alliance of sorts with them. They’ve agreed to stay in Hueco Mundo so long as they are allowed to bring any Hollows rampaging in the Human world back to Hueco Mundo rather than having them purified.

 

Aizen was put back in his prison, despite my objections after how much he helped in the final hour. I proposed that he be made Soul King, an existence that turns out isn’t as glamorous as it sounds. Turns out it’s actually a pretty shit job. After that plan was rejected I think I saw relief from Aizen. I think he must have decided that he would rather have prison than that miserable life.

 

The members of the Urahara Shop have been nearly unheard from. Every now and again we get a small message from them, usually just saying that they are all still alive. I tried to visit the shop recently just to see them for myself, only to find that they had moved. Even the underground training area was gone. No one has figured out how to track the messages they send. Not even Kurotsuchi. I hope someone does soon. Urahara and I were never exactly friends, but he helped me a lot during all my dealings with Soul Society. I would like to be able to properly express my gratitude in person.

 

We buried Ukitake. The poor bastard deserved better than what he got if you ask me. Of course she was crushed. And of course I failed at comforting her when the time came. Just like she failed to encourage me after being broken by Yhwach. I couldn’t figure out what had happened to us. There was a time when, in that moment, she would have kicked my ass into gear. There was a time when we could pull each other from despair. But this is not that time. And we can no longer heal each other like we once did. A few weeks after the funeral we finally talked. We made up. Neither of us really knew what happened to cause the rift, but we sure as hell closed it.

 

For the next few months we spent more time together than we had since she was living in my closet. Everything was back to normal. Hell, it was better than normal. Now that we were in a time of peace, we were finally able to start exploring the feelings we had for each other. We even had the talk about my mother. Of course she was nothing but supportive. Then we felt it. The growing sense of dread. Yhwach’s power building up again. It was then that we realized what had caused the rift. Instinctively we had known that building each other up would only bring Yhwach back and so stopped supporting one another. We let our feelings for each other cloud that. Never again. She and I parted. As she entered the Senkaimon I could have sworn I heard her begin to cry. Whether I imagined it or not, it set off my own despair. I fell to the ground. I let my despair consume me.

 

When I came to, my father was there. He tried everything in his power to pull me back from the pain. Then I told him about Yhwach’s promise. Then he understood that no one could ever pull me out of this. Anyone that could help me would only be making the sacrifice meaningless. Dad and I have barely talked since then. He plans to go stay with the Shibas once Yuzu and Karin are old enough. He says that he can’t bear to see his son suffer like this and be unable to do anything about it. He will be giving Yuzu and Karin Soul Tickets so that they may visit him whenever they feel so inclined.

 

I haven’t spoken to any of my other friends since she left. Chad came over to try and ease the pain, but once he saw me he knew that it was pointless. The only other person to visit has been Ishida. He keeps trying to play her part. To kick my ass into gear. I haven’t been able to say even one word to him since he started showing up. I’m still waiting for him to see it. To see that I’m broken and can’t be fixed.

 

Not long after she left I stopped acting as a Substitute Shinigami. My powers felt too connected to her. Every time I went out I felt her presence in the back of my mind. Today I will be using my powers one more time. Today I’m going to enter my Inner World and speak with Zangetsu. I dread seeing the world that he’s been living in since she left. If it was bad after my fight with Ulquiorra, how much worse would it be now?

 

I focus on Zangetsu and suddenly I’m in my Inner World. The hopeful skyscrapers are gone as I expected. My world is so flooded that no light reaches to where I stand, also as I expected. But I’m not in Karakura. In fact, other than being submerged in the darkest of oceans, there’s only one thing I can see. I’m standing before a Senkaimon, the doors barely cracked open. A pale glow coming through is all the light left in this world. There’s the sound of weeping coming from the other side. I can’t see anything through the cracked doors except the light. If I were to walk around the doors, would she be there? I hear movement behind me and turn around. The instant my body finishes turning his hands are around my neck.

 

“WHY?!” Zangetsu screams. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?!”

 

The usually cocky Zangetsu is gone. Tears stain his cheeks. This despair has even infected his own consciousness. When I hesitate to answer his question he tightens his grip around my throat.

 

“WE WOULD BE BETTER OFF DEAD THAN LIVING LIKE THIS!” he continues to scream at me.

 

“We can’t let him come back Zangetsu,” I manage to get out, “We have to do this for the sake of everyone else.”

 

“FUCK EVERYONE ELSE ICHIGO!” Suddenly his grip lessens and his voice becomes softer, “Please, just bring back our Queen.”

 

His own desperation hits me. The only people Zangetsu has ever acknowledged as having power over him were myself and the manifestation of my Quincy powers, and even then it was begrudgingly. To hear him call her not only _my_ Queen but _our_ Queen means he must know why I’m here. He knows what is coming. He’s trying to appeal to my heart. I mustn’t give in to him.

 

“We can’t bring her back Zangetsu. A continued relationship with her will be the end of all of us. I had no choice.”

 

Zangetsu releases me, “We always have a choice Ichigo. Just like I made the choice not to take your crown when you fell into this despair. How foolish of me to think you would come to your senses.”

 

“What could I have done? It was either we live, or we die.”

 

“Don’t confuse this as living Ichigo. All you are doing is surviving. My goal may be to keep you alive, but not if it means this” he gestures to the gate, “For the first few days I thought you would come out of this. I thought I could leave you in charge and you would fix everything. Then your strength came back and the despair remained. I missed my chance to take the crown. To do what you couldn’t. To bring her back.”

 

Zangetsu’s eyes are filled with agonizing pain. I wonder, does he see the same pain in my eyes?

 

 

“The gate itself doesn’t bother me Ichigo,” Zangetsu continues, “It’s the never-ending weeping coming from that _thing_ behind the gate that’s been getting to me.”

 

That thing? I glance toward the Senkaimon. Do I dare look behind it?

 

I feel Zangetsu grab me in an instant. It looks like I have no choice in this matter. He pulls me behind the gate. I see her. She is a shadow of who I know she is, but it is still her. She is on her knees, head in her hands, crying endlessly. She doesn’t look up even once.

 

“Why did you say ‘that thing’ when it’s clearly her?” I ask.

 

“Keep looking Ichigo. Then you’ll know,” I continue watching and I notice her changing. The more I look at it, the less it looks like her. It’s body distorts and becomes something ugly. Like despair given form. And its weeping never stops. Zangetsu leads me back to the front of the Senkaimon. Leaving the thing out of our line of sight.

 

“I tried to run from it for awhile. I got so far away that I could barely see the light coming from the doors. But the weeping? I may as well have been standing right next to that thing. I can’t escape it Ichigo. I’ve been listening to that sound for months. The sound of her crying for you. The sound that broke you. The sound of _her_ breaking. Please, just make it stop.”

 

“I can’t do it Zangetsu. I can’t sacrifice everyone just to be with her. You know I want to, but I can’t. Not even for her.”

 

“You can’t even say her fucking name can you? I haven’t even heard her name in your _thoughts_ since she left. What happened to the guy that thought he could do everything with her? The guy who thought that, with her, he was invincible.”

 

“I can’t stop him again. Not even with,” I hesitate, a lump forming in my throat, “Her.”

 

“Say her fucking name damn it! I don’t care how much it hurts! Look at this world you’ve left me in! The _pain_ you’ve left me in! Listen to the sounds I live with for every second of every day! Fuck, go look at that thing again! That thing you’ve left me with! The least you could give me is HER FUCKING NAME!”

 

“I’m sorry, Zangetsu.”

 

“Don’t you dare say it Ichigo,” he threatens, reaching toward my throat again. “Don’t you fucking dare! Not without leaving me her name!” I prepare to cut the connection with him for the last time. “GIVE ME THE QUEEN! GIVE ME RU-”

 

“Goodbye Zangetsu.”


End file.
